Posted on: Sunday, May 31, 2009
Posted at: 1:13 AM
Posted at: 1:13 AM
If everyone cared and nobody cried,
If everyone loved and nobody lied,
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride,
Then we'd see the day that nobody died.
-nickelback, if everyone cared.
How very true.
Nevertheless, im still very adament to lose hope.
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
scream, Are we having fun yet?
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have dman near killed you.
-Nickelback, This is how you remind me.
Now that the world is ending, it's love that I'm sending to you.
i need rest. and peace.
If everyone loved and nobody lied,
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride,
Then we'd see the day that nobody died.
-nickelback, if everyone cared.
How very true.
Nevertheless, im still very adament to lose hope.
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
scream, Are we having fun yet?
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have dman near killed you.
-Nickelback, This is how you remind me.
Now that the world is ending, it's love that I'm sending to you.
i need rest. and peace.
's okay
Posted on: Monday, May 25, 2009
Posted at: 10:44 PM
Posted at: 10:44 PM
chinese intensive.
exam results.
L1R5
im going to score.
im going to score.
wait. maybe not.
PRAY PRAY PRAY i need my A1 for my CHINESE.
wah, typical attitude of a bunch of people.
nvm nvm.
im beginning to think im very screwed in my head now.
perhaps i am.
yah yah, sometimes not just because you want to shake something off you can.
you dont control how you feel.
we dont block off emotions.
yeah, there are people who can do that at some times.
But, tell me. Can you stop feeling guilty or whatever. Maybe its possible given a little more time. Maybe way more. But, you out there. listen. you cant tell a feeling to stop manifesting. Have you tried telling yourself to stop feeling happy? stop feeling sad? alright, maybe yes.
lets use the example of stop feeling sad.
yeah, sure you can tell yourself that. But in the end you jolly well know that you are still sad. Even though people dont see it.
Hmm, maybe I'm wrong in this perspective.
Maybe its the result of being a little more emotionless so that I can assure myself that I'll be fine.
For now, I just want to be in my own head.
Dont ask me anything or why. Just let me be.
I need time to feel around again, and perhaps open up and trust people.
Trust can only be built up over time. However, to destroy it, its simple. And it takes less than maybe 1 minute. And I'll show you how. The effect of it is nonetheless very great, despite it being so insignificant.
To hurt a person that trusts and loves you, just do something to hurt the person devastatingly. It doesnt have to be very big. It can be just words.
Do you know why the person will suffer a breakdown?
Not because of those words, but because of how the other person has breached that trust that was built up. The person prolly wont recover that well.
see? how words can kill.
sigh.
YAH. i know im very negative about a lot of things.
but i think thats just me.
i just wish i could sleep for days without waking up.
because i want to dream of things.
i want to rest.
but most importantly, i dont have to face much pressure.
i can continue trusting and believing in what i used to.
more significantly, you.
time and tide waits for no man.
exam results.
L1R5
im going to score.
im going to score.
wait. maybe not.
PRAY PRAY PRAY i need my A1 for my CHINESE.
wah, typical attitude of a bunch of people.
nvm nvm.
im beginning to think im very screwed in my head now.
perhaps i am.
yah yah, sometimes not just because you want to shake something off you can.
you dont control how you feel.
we dont block off emotions.
yeah, there are people who can do that at some times.
But, tell me. Can you stop feeling guilty or whatever. Maybe its possible given a little more time. Maybe way more. But, you out there. listen. you cant tell a feeling to stop manifesting. Have you tried telling yourself to stop feeling happy? stop feeling sad? alright, maybe yes.
lets use the example of stop feeling sad.
yeah, sure you can tell yourself that. But in the end you jolly well know that you are still sad. Even though people dont see it.
Hmm, maybe I'm wrong in this perspective.
Maybe its the result of being a little more emotionless so that I can assure myself that I'll be fine.
For now, I just want to be in my own head.
Dont ask me anything or why. Just let me be.
I need time to feel around again, and perhaps open up and trust people.
Trust can only be built up over time. However, to destroy it, its simple. And it takes less than maybe 1 minute. And I'll show you how. The effect of it is nonetheless very great, despite it being so insignificant.
To hurt a person that trusts and loves you, just do something to hurt the person devastatingly. It doesnt have to be very big. It can be just words.
Do you know why the person will suffer a breakdown?
Not because of those words, but because of how the other person has breached that trust that was built up. The person prolly wont recover that well.
see? how words can kill.
sigh.
YAH. i know im very negative about a lot of things.
but i think thats just me.
i just wish i could sleep for days without waking up.
because i want to dream of things.
i want to rest.
but most importantly, i dont have to face much pressure.
i can continue trusting and believing in what i used to.
more significantly, you.
time and tide waits for no man.
Posted on:
Posted at: 10:20 PM
Posted at: 10:20 PM
Today you ask me how I am so confidently
I, without a doubt, told you I was doing well
You really don't know me well.
Do you think that I will be okay without you?
Are you really okay without me?
A world without you
I pitied myself for breathing through this difficult time
What should I do?
I still live days where I collapse at the words you speak
Please talk to me
Am I the only one going through this?
Please tell me if your days are painful day by day
Is it too late for me and you?
Do we have any more chances?
I still think about you
You may already know that
So is this it?
Is this how it will end?
Are you satisfied how things are now?
I don't think I can be satisfied like this.
I don't think I will ever have someone like you, even til death
What should I do, my heart
I don't think anyone else will be able to hold me
Please hold on to me, you know
no matter how much you try, a person like me
won't ever be able to forget you, please hold on to me.
What should I do?
I still live days where I collapse at the words you speak
Please talk to me
Am I the only one going through this?
Please tell me if your days are painful day by day
Is it too late for me and you?
Do we have any more chances?
I still think about you
You may already know that
You ask me how my day was as if it is same everyday
I say Im okay but you really dont know how I feel
Do you think I'll be okay without you?
Are you okay without me?
The world without you is so hard that I blame myself for still breathing
What should I do?
Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me
Are we too late?
Do we not have a chance?
I still think about you and you might know this
Finally is it this?Are we going to end like this?
Is it okay with you?I dont think I can do it.
The love I find with you, I wont find it anywhere even if I die
What should I do?
If it isnt you no one else can hold my heart
Please hold me.
And you know that even though the whole world tries to
No one can erase your memories.
So please hold me
What should I do?
Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me
Is it too late?Do we not have a chance?
But me, I still think about you, and you might not know.
Nevertheless,
you know life goes on.
I, without a doubt, told you I was doing well
You really don't know me well.
Do you think that I will be okay without you?
Are you really okay without me?
A world without you
I pitied myself for breathing through this difficult time
What should I do?
I still live days where I collapse at the words you speak
Please talk to me
Am I the only one going through this?
Please tell me if your days are painful day by day
Is it too late for me and you?
Do we have any more chances?
I still think about you
You may already know that
So is this it?
Is this how it will end?
Are you satisfied how things are now?
I don't think I can be satisfied like this.
I don't think I will ever have someone like you, even til death
What should I do, my heart
I don't think anyone else will be able to hold me
Please hold on to me, you know
no matter how much you try, a person like me
won't ever be able to forget you, please hold on to me.
What should I do?
I still live days where I collapse at the words you speak
Please talk to me
Am I the only one going through this?
Please tell me if your days are painful day by day
Is it too late for me and you?
Do we have any more chances?
I still think about you
You may already know that
You ask me how my day was as if it is same everyday
I say Im okay but you really dont know how I feel
Do you think I'll be okay without you?
Are you okay without me?
The world without you is so hard that I blame myself for still breathing
What should I do?
Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me
Are we too late?
Do we not have a chance?
I still think about you and you might know this
Finally is it this?Are we going to end like this?
Is it okay with you?I dont think I can do it.
The love I find with you, I wont find it anywhere even if I die
What should I do?
If it isnt you no one else can hold my heart
Please hold me.
And you know that even though the whole world tries to
No one can erase your memories.
So please hold me
What should I do?
Even now, I live each painful days because of your words
Tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Are you living each day painfully like I am?
You and me
Is it too late?Do we not have a chance?
But me, I still think about you, and you might not know.
Nevertheless,
you know life goes on.
measurements.
Posted on: Thursday, May 21, 2009
Posted at: 6:26 PM
Posted at: 6:26 PM
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
Measure in love.Seasons of love.
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died....
It's time now to sing out,
the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
How about love! Measure in love. Seasons of love.
hmm. another week is going to be over soon.
Have I learnt a few things?
yes, yes, yes.
but because of this things i have to learn,
the pain that I have to endure or go through is back, in a way.
watched boys over flowers.
not typical me, but hey, I learnt a few things from that show.
we humans should be like pottery, isnt it?
oh well.
i guess it is enough to stand at the same place and watch the same thing together with your loved ones. No matter how different your views are, isn't it right in the sense that, just by standing at the same point in time, you're both viewing the same thing? Nothing would seem to matter at a certain point in time anyway. sigh. whats the point huh, saying all these now?
sometimes. with addition to the internal factors. people should probably look at the external factors too. sigh. so what if someone admits he or she is wrong? if you have been the person yakking and yakking non stop behind backs just to do whatever you feel justified to, so what?
so what if you force the person to regret and admit the mistakes? admitting is one thing. but regret? what's the use? all you feel is that indescribable feeling all over again. i'd say its not worth it.
true. there are some things that are worth the regret. but how many of those things are there?
things now may seem, well, hard to get by. but thats just cause we're so concentrated on our state of mind and everything to do with myself and me and i. and probably because we don't think that far out. maybe we can't. who knows?
the whole world is filled with ifs and ifs alone. everyone decides to say if i hadn't done this...
yeah. and we wont need "i apologise", "i'm sorry" and "i regret"
there wont be a need for correction tape too. the company can then go bust.
if everything is just within a click, and everything can be erased, blocked out, why bother being careful with what we do as everyone always tells us?
words can be erased, technology too, even all this i'm writing. However, in the end, whoever gets hurt by reading all those words that have been so bluntly and casually tossed out, the pain and emotional trauma or hardship to overcome all this is not something that one can be repaired.
Even if we did think about what to say, have anyone thought what would happen if things were clarified, no doubts, full honesty, and everything said right at the beginning of everything?
see? I'm right ain't i? life is full of ifs.
maybe things would turn another way. and again, maybe not.
no matter how bad things may get, there is always an upturn, some time in life.
what wouldn't anyone do, just to get back on track, and just be oneself again, with the people you're comfortable with.
and sometimes, the things that you yearn for or you're looking for is right in front of you. But where's the courage in everyone? everyone just stays in their shells and sees the opportunity go by, and then they would say. "aww shucks, why didn't i grab it?"
so why hesitate? its all because of the fear of losing it, just in case.
children grab hold of things they like quickly,
because they know, if they don't grab hold of it tightly,
they would burst out crying.
reflex action? hmm.
when trust is misplaced, there is a point in looking for it back.
when regret is there, go for it, dont hesitate. you'll probably end up with more regrets.
a mistake is not a mistake, unless it cannot be corrected.
even a slight change makes a difference.
thats what makes history i guess.
someone ever said this to me.
"are you sure you wanna face it? Things like this people don't get over this fast, trust me"
hahah, thanks yeah, you're right.
sigh, what a loser i am, thinking im some very strong person can tahan every single thing.
why, oh why did i trust you for saying that things will never change and that you'll be there?
now, my only justification can be. but you promised!
hah. how feeble.
would you? could you? will you? and i still fervently wish,hope,pray that I can still help you.
measure everyday in moments and in love. that way, you'll always remember it.
sarang hae
Adjusting? Or maybe not
Posted on: Thursday, May 7, 2009
Posted at: 8:40 PM
Posted at: 8:40 PM
oh well.
giving up seems so easy.
I wish I have people around me that will give me a text, nonchalently, and ask if I'm alright. And even just ask nonsensical questions like:
How's school?
Even though, I don't have anything to say about it.
At least I can give a cliche reply.
"Just fine"
Or if you're the caring kind,
come forward and help me get on with my revision and studies.
it's not that I'm not capable of doing it myself.
It's more of the feeling of people being worried for you.
Of course, these people should be people that I can get along with. Not those that I'd be so sour and sarcastic and fake to them that all I can think about is to just think of how to win them by wits all the time.
But nevertheless,
I can't wait for this week to end and start T2W8.
yeah, maybe see what happens from that week onwards
then I'll decide what goes on and what doesn't.
(anyway, I've already decided half of it, so what's the issue?)
It seems like a long time since anyone has made a random act just to care.
Maybe its time to start from myself.
a deep tunnel that i can't get out of.
but as long as i keep faith and believe,
i know it'll be alright.
giving up seems so easy.
I wish I have people around me that will give me a text, nonchalently, and ask if I'm alright. And even just ask nonsensical questions like:
How's school?
Even though, I don't have anything to say about it.
At least I can give a cliche reply.
"Just fine"
Or if you're the caring kind,
come forward and help me get on with my revision and studies.
it's not that I'm not capable of doing it myself.
It's more of the feeling of people being worried for you.
Of course, these people should be people that I can get along with. Not those that I'd be so sour and sarcastic and fake to them that all I can think about is to just think of how to win them by wits all the time.
But nevertheless,
I can't wait for this week to end and start T2W8.
yeah, maybe see what happens from that week onwards
then I'll decide what goes on and what doesn't.
(anyway, I've already decided half of it, so what's the issue?)
It seems like a long time since anyone has made a random act just to care.
Maybe its time to start from myself.
a deep tunnel that i can't get out of.
but as long as i keep faith and believe,
i know it'll be alright.
The living and the dead.
Posted on: Sunday, May 3, 2009
Posted at: 6:54 PM
Posted at: 6:54 PM
Okay, so today, im going to type out a few things that i have learnt today.
Got this from church today.
In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And i respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me.
I may live to 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.
I used to think that life has hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like 2 rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
No matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes , or you can focus on your problems:
If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain. But one of the easiest ways to get rid of the pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easier for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people. given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So i began to ask God what He wanted my to go with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do. 2 Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through the last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church has paid my in the 24 years since I started church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fufil a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
yup, thats the first part.
and now the second part before i say anything.
Goodbye
It is difficult to say goodbye to someone or something you love. It is a strain on the feelings and to those of us who feel and allow emotions to flow freely, there is a certain sad sweetness when we say goodbye. What is refered to here is when we say goodbye permanently or semi-permanently; that is when we do not expect to see the person soon or perhaps ever again. When we grow to love someone, we form a wholeness with that person; when we say goodbye, that wholeness is broken and its as if a part of us is wrenched away.
The hardest situation in which to say goodbye is when we are bidding farewell to a loved one who has gone from this world. Wakes and funeral rites were probably formulated so that we can make this goodbye emotionally tolerable. A great deal of holiness is thrown over the related rituals, which appears to be formulated in order to honour the departed one and to ensure his or her place in the next world. Putting aside such beliefs, we see that the rituals were probably created so that we can console ourselves when we say goodbye. Alas, the consolation is probably short-lived. When the rituals are in process and the goodbyes are said in all seriousness, those of us involved manage to hold back the tide of sadness and tears. These burst out usually when the ritual is over and stark reality - that we will never see our beloved again - thrusts itself on us. Such goodbyes are heart wrenching indeed.
Breaking up with someone who has been a beloved over a period of time is another sad goodbye. Some of us are 'old-fashioned' enough to put in our all into a relationship. It is really devastating when we realise that the other party has been frivolous about it and has been restraining himself or herself. It is even more devastating when the relationship has been strong on both sides and when we have to break up because of circumstances; as in the case when one party leaves the country for good because his or her parents decide to emigrate. Often in such cases, there is a possibility that the goodbye marks the end of a stage of life and beginning of another. Also, we may often see the person we are saying goodbye to again. However, the situation is not the same. For example, when a close friend or neighbour leaves for another neighbourhood, it is possible to continue seeing the neighbour, but is it the same thing? Can we still be as close? Can we exchange food? Can we smell the cooking of each other? Certainly not without special effort. The goodbye here is to a person as well as to a certain loveable situation.
It is true that goodbyes are just another way of saying 'see you again soon'. Naturally, in such cases goodbyes are nothing to fuss about. But 'real goodbyes are painful if not devastating. Yet there is a sweetness about it all that we cannot explain.
Life is like a donut.
Got this from church today.
In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And i respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me.
I may live to 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.
I used to think that life has hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like 2 rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
No matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes , or you can focus on your problems:
If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain. But one of the easiest ways to get rid of the pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easier for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people. given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So i began to ask God what He wanted my to go with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do. 2 Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through the last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church has paid my in the 24 years since I started church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fufil a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
yup, thats the first part.
and now the second part before i say anything.
Goodbye
It is difficult to say goodbye to someone or something you love. It is a strain on the feelings and to those of us who feel and allow emotions to flow freely, there is a certain sad sweetness when we say goodbye. What is refered to here is when we say goodbye permanently or semi-permanently; that is when we do not expect to see the person soon or perhaps ever again. When we grow to love someone, we form a wholeness with that person; when we say goodbye, that wholeness is broken and its as if a part of us is wrenched away.
The hardest situation in which to say goodbye is when we are bidding farewell to a loved one who has gone from this world. Wakes and funeral rites were probably formulated so that we can make this goodbye emotionally tolerable. A great deal of holiness is thrown over the related rituals, which appears to be formulated in order to honour the departed one and to ensure his or her place in the next world. Putting aside such beliefs, we see that the rituals were probably created so that we can console ourselves when we say goodbye. Alas, the consolation is probably short-lived. When the rituals are in process and the goodbyes are said in all seriousness, those of us involved manage to hold back the tide of sadness and tears. These burst out usually when the ritual is over and stark reality - that we will never see our beloved again - thrusts itself on us. Such goodbyes are heart wrenching indeed.
Breaking up with someone who has been a beloved over a period of time is another sad goodbye. Some of us are 'old-fashioned' enough to put in our all into a relationship. It is really devastating when we realise that the other party has been frivolous about it and has been restraining himself or herself. It is even more devastating when the relationship has been strong on both sides and when we have to break up because of circumstances; as in the case when one party leaves the country for good because his or her parents decide to emigrate. Often in such cases, there is a possibility that the goodbye marks the end of a stage of life and beginning of another. Also, we may often see the person we are saying goodbye to again. However, the situation is not the same. For example, when a close friend or neighbour leaves for another neighbourhood, it is possible to continue seeing the neighbour, but is it the same thing? Can we still be as close? Can we exchange food? Can we smell the cooking of each other? Certainly not without special effort. The goodbye here is to a person as well as to a certain loveable situation.
It is true that goodbyes are just another way of saying 'see you again soon'. Naturally, in such cases goodbyes are nothing to fuss about. But 'real goodbyes are painful if not devastating. Yet there is a sweetness about it all that we cannot explain.
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I got to read this 2 passages over the weekend.
And I thought it was very true.
but to add on, I would like to say this.
Life is like a donut.
and how do we know a donut, is a donut?
This is so because of all the sugar, and sweetness it has,
and of course, the hole in the middle.
No matter how sweet the donut is,
it cannot patch the hole in the middle back up.
SO, no matter how wonderful your life maybe, how sweet it may be,
in the end, there is still the emptiness in you, the little hole there.
The same goes for relationships cum friendships.
No matter how sweet or how well it may be,
as time chews the donut away,
all you will be left is the emptiness.
And all you have done, all the sugar you have vehemently added,
will be reduced to nothing, just empty space.
Only the eucharist can mend the hole.
Is it time for closure for me?
Maybe it is.
If someone has to go, all I will do before is ask.
why me?
but now, I do know why me.
Fervently, I still hope what I wish for will still come true.
Sure, things will get awkward, but in a way, I know I'll do my best to make it fine.
And did you understand what I said when I texted you?
Its not the phone thats the problem.
Its me, and I know it is.
Intuition can be stronger than you think it may be.
Perhaps I'll be a better person after this,
and perhaps not.
But I hope you do know that I'm still here and waiting for you to be back,
waiting for you to rely on me once again.
You have absolutely no idea,
just how a
"hmm, alright. Don't worry, it'll get better. I'll be there to help"
impacts me now.
Is it because I'm devoid of emotions?
Nah, I think its everyone around me.
and I'm going to change the fact about me.
Smiling used to be easy,
but now, it seems as if a thousand words or pictures won't let me smile like how I used to before.
and this, by the way, seems to be what is happening to most people,
being void of humane emotions.
Even though I refuse to let that incident take me down,
silently, it has already taken a huge portion of me to my grave.
I remember how I was like before.
and I wish you hadn't reminded me.
My history is just as bleak as it can get.
Just thinking about all your lies make me sick.
I wish you were honest with me right from the start.
Just like everything you have done, it has all been nothing but a lie.
but I'd gladly forgive you for it.
Because I know I'm not that perfect either.
It's not a matter of not fitting,
Even biological molecules can fit each other.
Its a matter of opening up your mind again.
It takes courage to forgive and forget.
I'd gladly forgive, but I won't forget,
its too deep a cut and I'm not that brave.
If you want me to forget, let me brace myself for it first.
If you don't even know how to face me, then let me tell you.
Forget about me forgetting when you can't even find the courage to face the music.
If sacrifice will be what it is,
then yes, you get the sacrifice you want.
Because its meant to be a lesson learnt.
and I know it.
and I hope you know,
I'd gladly give up everything just for that all over again.
the pain of it, I'll deal with it later.
All the other things, are secondary to me now.
And so I come to my ultimate crossroad.
Am I going to fight and pray over it?
Or am i going to go into my passive state?
Am I going to fight and pray over it?
Or am i going to go into my passive state?
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Lastly,
to anyone who wants to link me up,
please have the basic courtesy to give a tag and then link me up.
I doubt that would kill you.
Because,
I don't see the point of you linking me up
if I'm not close or on good terms with you.
SO,
to everyone out there,
please tag if you wanna link.
and if you're reading this by any chance,
you can leave a tag too,
saying how you feel and blah.
and if I see what is happening on my tag board like last time,
hah. you people are in serious deep shit.
what a waste that I deleted my last blog.
so, you there.
wanna slander me?
think twice.